'Tis The Season

I am of the opinion that there is a yin and yang to the holiday season; for all of the bacchanalia and bonhomie of the season, there are traffic jams, competitions of a carnal nature, and generally uncomfortable obligations (whether they are office holiday parties or fighting the mob to get your kid that new doo-dad for $89.95). Simply put, the holidays often bring both the best and the worst in us.

This past weekend, I donned my armor and weaponry and set forth on a mission to slay my holiday beasts in a one-weekend span. I was armed with a list, a large coffee, and a full tank of gas. Driving out of my development, I felt like one of those soldiers in the landing craft on D-Day, mentally preparing myself for the bloody challenges which lie ahead.

I started off small: Stop & Shop. While I didn't expect a lot of resistance, I did expect to be navigating around people frantically buying turkeys, hams, and other Christmas goodies. But, no, just another Saturday at the Norwalk S+S. No problem.

I decided to up the ante a little bit and head to Target. Wow. Street parking. Didn't expect that. All I needed were gift cards, so to Customer Service I went. No line? Weird. OK, Customer Service says I need to go to a register. Oh boy, this is where I meet my end. Wait a minute. 1, 2, 3, 4 registers have no lines. Where the hell is everybody?

OK, off to Lord and Taylor. There has to be a battle waiting for me there. Hmmmm, lost-looking men? Check. Holiday music barely audible amidst the screaming and shuffling of indulgent Fairfield County housewives? Check. HA! Here was the battle I was anticipating. Before I could start pushing and adding to the chaos, I noticed a lot of black-clad, bored-looking, idle store clerks. The lost-looking men were husbands of the bitchy, bratty houswives trying on boots, jeans, jewelry, and makeup. This wasn't holiday chaos! This was a normal Saturday!

When I walked back to the car (a short walk, mind you, meaning the store wasn't really that busy), I realized two things. One, the economic crisis is for real. Maybe more people are shopping online, maybe I happened to come along on an off weekend, but something was off. The second thing is I was spoiling for conflict, even though I tell myself and others I don't like the drama of the holidays. I guess an essential component of my holiday normalcy is fighting the crowds. Even though the ease in which I got things done should have been a HUGE convenience, it was alien to me. I wonder if any of you have experienced this.

Disappointed, but loaded with schwag in record time, I made my way home. Oh, shoot, I need to go to Walmart for some bulk stuff. As I turned the corner on Danbury Road and saw that every single parking space in the immense Walmart parking lot was taken, I knew I would get my fight yet.

The amount of CRAP people were furiously loading in their shopping carts made me realize we are still an impulse-driven society, just one that has to go down-market this year. On the paper towel aisle, I was almost run over (twice) by people running with shopping carts to beat others to the toy and electronic sections. I saw two people in a tug-of-war, literally, with a flat screen TV, which was marked down quite a bit, and one kid crying while self-consumed adults paid no mind as they rushed past her in order to shower their kids with useless, dangerous, Chinese-made dreck on Christmas Day. I took a deep breath and sighed. Even though I didn't need anything, I decided it would be healthy for me to jump in the fray for a few minutes. "HEY! I had it first!" And a happy new year...