An Open Letter to Fake Florida Fans

Dear Fake Florida Fans (FFF's),

Let me preface my letter to you by extending my most heartfelt condolences for your loss of Urban Meyer as head coach. While he has not actually passed away - despite your mourning him as if he has - you have lost a coach who is highly skilled in the intricacies of the deeply flawed BCS system. Urban really knows how to play the computer, running up the scores on hapless nobodies whose athletic directors send their teams to certain doom in the vain hope of boosting their unknown universities' reputations for a split second while America watched them get picked apart in The Swamp. As such, Urban had his pick of the best players in the country and, in so doing, has turned the SEC Championship into Florida's coronation each year.

But, now that he's gone and Florida's descent back into the reality of having to again compete for - gasp! - the SEC East is imminent, my question for you is what are you going to do? Actually, the more apt question for you is to whom are you going to hitch your wagon now? Because, after all, the only reason you were drawn to Florida in the first place was their brutal dominance of college football. You don't have a connection to the school, but you have invested in enough gear since their national championship in 2006 to make anyone think you and generations before you have gone there. Now that they are merely going to be another contender, who is going to get your loyalty now? Your Florida shwag will get thrown in the back of the closet like many a Florida State, Miami, and USC doo-dad before it.

You might think I'm being too harsh or that I'm just relishing in your struggle because I am a Tennessee fan. And I am a little. But, not totally because I am loyal to a team that has been at the receiving end of your pummeling for the last few years. It is because I am loyal to a team, period. A true fan sticks with their team no matter what. Ask any Notre Dame, Penn State, or New York Jets fan. Your lack of loyalty is an insult to any true Florida fan.

Furthermore, your forthcoming abandonment of Florida is even worse because of the ridiculous sense of moral superiority you have been carrying around with you in your swagger. Your adulation of Tim Tebow is absurd. You heap upon him messianic praise because he won the Heisman trophy as a sophomore and does "God's work". You sit around, smelling each other's farts, gloating to anyone you think is listening that he makes Peyton Manning look like he has achieved nothing. Maybe so, but Peyton Manning has never blubbered like an overstimulated third-grade girl on a sugar crash. At least, not in front of a national audience.

So, Godspeed, my fake fan friends. I would like to see the looks on your faces when, demoralized, you come to Knoxville next year for your overdue comeuppance. But, by then, you will probably be totally invested in another team. It just goes to show life is really easy when you lack a long-term memory - or a sense of loyalty - and ride the coattails of greatness, regardless of who is great.

Lessons Learned, Volume 1

So, I thought it would be beneficial to start jotting down lessons I have learned early in this parenthood game. Maybe it will help somebody out down the road. By somebody, I mean me, as my memory vaporizes a little more each day. Here goes:

1. Night time is a scary time. It's seriously like "I Am Legend". Your sweet child by day becomes and inconsolable she-devil by night. I have taken to calling my daughter, Gracie, "Horace" at night. This is partly because instead of crying she mostly grunts. And they are distinctive grunts. One in particular starts with a "N". It's really quite fascinating.

2. Diaper duty is sometimes an ambush. The second time I changed Gracie's diaper, she projectile pooped all over the changing table. My wife suggested that I have a diaper covering her whenever I'm not wiping or applying ointment. Fine. So, nine or ten more diaper changes occur without a hitch. So, of course, on that tenth or eleventh I don't have a diaper under her and she starts peeing like a mall fountain. This has happened several times. And every time, I start yelling "Oh God, she's pooping/peeing! Oh God, it's all over her onesie!" My wife, God bless her, tells me it's not a big deal and we quickly resolve the issue. Of course, the other night Gracie grunted and ambushed her with a flying poop. I'm beginning to think the hospital sent me home with an Improvised Explosive Device.

3. Learn quickly how your little one goes to sleep. Gracie has two ways, one laying on your chest, bunched up like a koala bear, and the other cradled in your left arm. But, both usually involve the application of a pacifier and definitely require 10 minutes of uninterrupted closed eyes. That is the most difficult part, especially when she's fighting sleep, she moves and loses her pacifier, or the dog barks. When confronted with these occurrences, I have tried to put her down before 10 minutes from when her eyes were last open, but deviating by even one minute will require you to start all over again. It's like Chutes and Ladders. Or defusing a bomb.

4. That for all the lack of sleep, screaming in your face, and spitting up on your clothes, it's all forgotten due to the one minute she will spend staring at me, fascinated. Whether wedged between my knees, on her changing table, or looking up at me before she falls asleep, it is the best feeling in the world exchanging unconditional love with your child.

I think Lesson 4 is the most pertinent. At some point soon, she's going to start laughing, scooting, and making noises that are the precursors to speech. The fascinating stares she gives us now are possibly more rewarding than all of these benchmarks. Because in this ocean of insanity, the brief moments of unconditional love are our lifeboats. Everyone keeps saying it's only going to get better, but I'd have to say that, for now, it's already pretty damn good.

Why I Like Joe Libermann

I haven't been paying much attention to this telenovela called "Health Care Reform" (I've been otherwise occupied, you know), but I have noticed a large amount of venom and vitriol being hurled at one man: Senator Joseph Liebermann (I-CT). Despite my mind being elsewhere these days, I have to say I'm pretty surprised by this and a tad dismayed.

I think, as a Senator, Joe is a rather pragmatic legislator; a principle-driven Centrist. I can dig that. Ultimately, I think this is why the liberal shock-troops and "Caviar Commies" have made him Public Enemy Numero Uno in their salons. Now that they have a sympathetic darling in the White House and control at the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue, this is their time to shine and health care reform has become their raison d'être. And now Joe and his Centrism is going to spoil it for them.

From what I understand, Joe's skepticism about the health care reform is derived from the fact that he's afraid there are no viable ways to pay for it. Personally, I have similar concerns, as I can't figure out how a liberal Christmas-come-early that is the health care bill is not going to add to our budget woes when the only ways the bill's authors are willing to suggest it will be paid for is soaking the rich and future Medicare entitlement cuts. The former is populist and unsustainable and the latter is like an alcoholic opening a bottle of Jack Daniels and saying he will save half of it for later.

So now the left has its sights set on Joe as he's going to be the one person to check their unchecked power. Several explanations for his misbehavior have been posited. The most prevalent is that this is his sweet revenge for their being turncoats in 2006. I think there is something to this, but it's not revenge. Rather, being dumped by the party liberated Joe to be able to think for himself and not constantly espouse the textbook liberal agenda. I guarantee that if he were still a Democratic Senator, he would be arm-twisting for the passage of this bill. At least, he would be more susceptible to having his arm twisted. But, as an Independent no longer locked in the the Democratic talking points, he can be outspoken with his criticism, whether or not it happens to be correct.

Another argument for his lack of support of the health-care bill is because he's getting paid hand over fist by the insurance companies. This is preposterous, as health insurers are not even in the top five of his contributors from 2005-2010. As expected in a state like Connecticut where half the state is a bedroom community for New York City, his largest contributing industry is the securities and investment industry. But, even if he was receiving money from health insurers to vote down reform, he's not doing anything Senators don't already do - ad nauseam. Where is the venom from these same liberals when Chuck Schumer is hammering out sweet deals for Wall Street or Tom Harkin is voting for pie-in-the-sky farm subsidies? These guys are all getting bundles of cash for their support (or lack of support) for certain things. I agree that it sucks. I think it's sanctioned bribery. But it's the system. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

I don't like everything about Joe. I question his judgement in unequivocally supporting Israel and the war in Iraq. But, in my opinion, we need more legislators like him. Being an independent in a state like Connecticut is perfect: it gives him the ability to work for both the white collar and blue collar constituencies that define this state. I think he's done a hell of a job for this state since 1988 and, given the chance, I will gladly support him in the future. But, I'm a sucker for a Centrist.

The Unbridled Joy and Irrational Lunacy of Early Fatherhood

GRACIE GIRL

First and foremost, I am delighted to announce that our daughter, Grace Ivy, was born Thanksgiving Day, November 26, 2009! We are beyond ecstatic and completely smitten, as my wife so eloquently put it. It gives you a whole new answer for the age-old "What are you most thankful for?" question.

At the risk of being a cliche, this child has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. While the joy that I had at her arrival was the most profound I had ever experienced, that same joy keeps growing more each day. I don't know how I have the capacity to have such intense emotion; but I do. In addition, a new love for my wife has developed, for which I was not prepared. I am so immensely proud of her. I have never seen anything as beautiful as her being a mother. This child really has brought us closer and I can't wait to go on with this adventure with her.

ACTIVE VOLCANOES

As I mentioned above, before you are a parent, you have no idea that you are capable of having such potent emotions. I find now that I am an "emotional volcano" in a very active state. While the vast majority of these emotions are positive (joy, love, excitement), there are a very few which temper these, namely fear and the feeling of being overwhelmed.

As you can imagine, you're also very tired, so you end up feeling like you're on a roller coaster all the time. You also do very stupid, and sometimes crazy, things. For example, yesterday at breakfast, I picked up the dog and started burping him. My wife laughed heartily and then cried. The thing is, her response totally made sense to me.

But, yesterday, Mount St. Matt LePage had a tremendous, earth-shattering eruption, the dust-cloud of which I think has made its way to Lake Michigan. This was the kind of outburst you had no idea was in you; it exhilarates you, then promptly frightens you. It's not hard to imagine that such an eruption occurred at a Walmart in the midst of holiday hell.

My daughter, God bless her, doesn't like cold tushie wipes. She has already learned that when the diaper comes off to start screaming like an inmate in an Egyptian prison. So, to indulge her, I purchased a diaper-wipes-warmer from Walmart, not knowing, however, that the unit I procured was missing a vital part. Also unknowingly, my wife shredded the receipt, but I figured since we were not returning the unit, but merely replacing it for one that is complete, Walmart might oblige me. Below is my conversation with a Walmart Returns Troglodyte (WRT):

WRT: (surly) NEXT!

MSL: Hi. I, uh, bought this wipes warmer yesterday and it doesn't have a piece, so I, uh, was wondering...

WRT: Do you have a receipt?

MSL: See, that's the thing. We actually...

WRT: Well, you can't return it without a receipt.

MSL: Oh, no. I'm sorry. I don't want to return it. I only want to exchange it for one that has all the pieces. See, the one I bought doesn't have all the...

WRT: I can't do that.

MSL: I understand that this is an odd request considering I don't have a receipt, but...

(WRT begins to take the unit away)

MSL: Excuse me, uh, what are you doing?

WRT: You don't have a receipt! You probably just [sic] trying to steal this and come up with this story so you can get it for free.

MSL: Are you (expletive) kidding me?

(opening box)

MSL: Look! (throwing parts everywhere)

WRT: You can't..

MSL: Look at this! It doesn't have all the pieces! (continuing to throw parts everywhere)

WRT: Sir, I don't care. You can't...

MSL: (repacking box) You think I made this up? You're right! This is exactly what I do. I go to Walmarts and take wipes warmers! I think up these elaborate scams to pull fast ones over on people like you...

WRT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "PEOPLE LIKE ME"?

MSL: RETURNS PEOPLE! I have a wipes warmers Ponzi scheme! I AM THE BERNIE (expletive) MADOFF OF WIPES WARMERS! Now, gimme this! (snatch)

And scene. I thought that I was going to get bum-rushed by security. Or that someone had called the cops. But, I just kept walking. I didn't look back. I started to laugh. At first a chuckle and then something boisterous. And then I cried. And then I went to Stop 'n Shop. It turns out there wasn't an APB on my car for taking the wipes warmer I had bought the day before. Just a lot of confused people at Walmart, a mad black woman in returns, and a semi-insane man whose wife had just had a baby.

When I composed myself, I called my wife and told her not only was our operation a miserable failure, but that I also had started a mini-war at Walmart. She laughed like I had never heard her laugh before. At that moment, I knew everything was going to be fine.

I suppose I should get used to this. I imagine that for the rest of my life, my children are going to always have this effect on me. I assume it's completely normal to feel pride, love, anger, and joy all within 10 second window. There are going to be lots of skinned knees, broken windows, and broken hearts. I'll regard the Walmart affair of 2009 as boot camp.