Switcheroo

In my short, post-graduate career, I have switched jobs seven times. In all but one of them, I couldn't wait to leave and it always had to do with the manager (or managers in the case of one of them). From micromanagers with grudges to aloof narcissists, I have had my fair share of manager drama and each time, I reached a point where I couldn't take working in that particular role any longer. In one instance, in the aforementioned role with multiple managers, I actually got pushed to the point where I told one of them off. Thinking I had surely sealed my fate as an ex-intern of this non-governmental organization, I packed my things and left, only to get a call a half-hour later asking where I went. I don't know what surprised me more: not only had I not been canned, but also that they just felt I was of sound enough emotional control to continue working that day. Obviously, this scenario was well-worn territory for them. But, I digress.

I now find myself on the cusp of switching jobs for an eighth time, but unlike all of the others, this time there was no urgency to my decision. I am perfectly content in my current role; sure, it has its frustrations, but what job doesn't? This is the first time that I have actually had to think about making a move, weighing pros and cons, obsessing on whether or not the decision I make is the correct one. So, after the pros and cons lists, as well as counsel with multiple parties - thanks to all of you who served as sounding boards! - I decided to close my eyes and make the switch. Ultimately, it's what is best for my long-term career growth and happens to be with a group that's just getting off the ground with an ever-expanding purview. However, I find the whole thing to be bittersweet, complemented with a substantial palette of emotions, ranging from giddy with excitement to disappointed I'm throwing in the towel on something into which I've invested a lot of myself.

In my previous roles, I relished the chance I got to tell my then-managers that I was leaving. It was the day I had been waiting for; the night before I was to tell them, I couldn't sleep, excitedly anticipating what stupid, disappointed face they would make upon getting the news. Some gave me the stupid, disappointed face I wanted, some presented a lamentable front which belied their excitement to finally being rid of me, some got really upset, and some frankly didn't care. But, the one thing all of those experiences had in common was my exuberance to experience them. In contract, this time around, I procrastinated like crazy before telling my manager I was making a move. He's been an incredibly fair manager; I have always had the level of autonomy that I need to be productive, yet can always get direction when I need it. He's also been more than fair in accommodating the time off I need to take for Grace's medical issues; never a guilt trip and always "Of course! Do what you need to do." I really had a pain in my gut walking down to his office to tell him my plan.

The irrational part of me said that I don't need to tell him; I won't tell him, he'll be none the wiser to my scheming, and meanwhile I'll work secretly for the new manager. It's not like that's incredibly unfeasible or that he and the new manager have been friends since I was in high school. So, needless to say, I was shocked hearing myself calmly and matter-of-factly explaining my decision and how I arrived at it. He was disappointed, sure, and I could see a flash of "Shit, now I need to hire someone when I had no intention to do so", but like always, dealt with this fairly and respectfully. It really made it easier and I'm happy to say there hasn't been a second of awkwardness and, so far, I haven't detected an ounce of resentfulness.

Of course, it wasn't just the dynamic between my manager and I that I was concerned with disrupting. Of equal concern was the dynamic I have with my report, my coworkers, and my work itself. My report initially thought I was firing him, but then warmed to the challenge this presents for him and the opportunities for him to take ownership of some items. I knew this was going to hit one particular coworker hard, but I was able to, I hope, allay some of his fears that this transition would be as seamless as possible. But, I think the most difficult part of this will be gradually detaching myself from my current workload. I am now in a position of ownership and authority and I'm not fooled into thinking that being a "newborn" isn't going to be one of the largest challenges I've ever faced. I have put so much of myself into what I've done for the past two and a half years and the thought of handing it over to someone else is very hard for me to accept, control freak that I am.

But, the fact of the matter is that our lives are nothing but strings of different adventures, stumbles, challenges, and milestones and that flow needs to keep flowing. I've always told myself that as soon as I slowed down and started to feel complacent that I needed to jump to the next thing. I haven't noticed it, but a little ping of complacency has been steadily growing these last few months. I guess the universe has been trying to tell me something and I guess I listened.