I have always had a hard time differentiating my wants from my needs. For me, they are often one in the same. It's not like this is exactly harmless. I am a father of three; should my wants or needs ever come before those of my children? Well, is my airway constricted? No? Then, no.
I don't know why I have this problem. I'm an educated, successful, grown-ass man. Yet, too often I let my id take over, like I am a child. I want pizza for lunch; I need pizza for lunch. I want to smoke; I need to smoke. I don't want to help out around the house tonight; I don't need...you get the idea.
It is a matter of self-control. I am not ignorant to the fact that I was raised without any. So, as an adult, I am learning how to have self-control. It sounds crazy, I know. But, from my perspective, denying myself anything seems like a baffling ordeal.
Ironically, this lack of self-control comes from the fact that I have always been deprived of some very fundamental things. Having my wants met is a matter of survival. I have been given a surplus of wrong things, and been denied some right things. I'm not making excuses. I am accepting it so that I can step around it.
How am I doing this? Mindfulness. I'm not going to provide a traditional description of mindfulness. You can look that up yourself. But, for me, it's the practice of stepping outside of yourself and trying as hard as you can to make an objective evaluation of your current state. It's a powerful arrow in your quiver. And it's also really fucking hard to master. But, like that one shot out of ten that gets you on the green, when you get a taste of it, it'll keep you coming back.
I am at that point where I am getting tastes with an occasional spoonful. I am starting to be able to evaluate the status quo and starting to be able to take ownership of the things that work and things that don't.
How am I doing it? Meditation helps. But, with a wandering mind it's really hard - and not to mention boring - to pay attention to nothing but my breathing for 10 minutes. I have found that the biggest obstacle to mindfulness is an inability to accept who you are and what you bring to the table.
I used to think I was a useless piece of shit who brought nothing to the table. Weirdly, I also had delusions of grandeur, with the accompanying sense of entitlement, at some points. This is no longer the case. I know that I am a good person who does good things, but I am also only one person. I have learned the dangers of isolation and learned how sad it makes me to live life by myself. I have learned that I have many people who love me unconditionally and some who don't and that life is better spent with the former group.
This isn't all I've learned, as some of it I can't articulate. But, it's enough for me to wake up every morning and smile. Knowing you have what you need is a powerful thing.
